I was terrified to put some of those words in print - partially because I knew how vulnerable it would make me feel, and partially because until now I have only shared those feelings with my inner-circle of close friends. It kinda feels good just to have it out there...to be honest and admit that I have hard days, even as a "professional Christian" as some call those of us who work in ministry.
Yes, I have days where I doubt God.
Days where I get mad at him.
Days where i'm sad or hurt or lonely.
And i'm glad that I do, because that makes me know that he loves me enough to test me...to allow some hurt in my life that will ultimately just draw me even closer to him. As Todd Nighswonger put it ever so perfectly, "do you believe that if God sacrificed his own son on your behalf, that he will go all the way - do anything it takes - to make you who you need to be...even if it means pain?" Yes I do believe this, but it wasn't until I experienced this kind of deep pain 7 years ago that I fully began to understand the impact it could have on the course of my life and on my ability and need to lean fully on him.
But here's the good news..."weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." -Psalm 30:5. I will spend my painful moments cradled in the arms of my Father, earnestly listening to what He wants to tell me in those tender times, and I will rejoice in the morning at the beauty He has created out of that pain.
So now I turn the question to you...when have you experienced a time of hurt transform into a time of rejoicing?
1 comment:
beautiful honesty... I can never say enough about that. I have to believe that God feels the same way - a conversation with Him, in nearly any form, is better than no discussion at all.
I definitely hit that transforming/questioning period you mention last year. Right after I told God "I am yours 100%", deciding to go full time into ministry, there were no jobs!! Yes, I found a way to blame that on God... wondering why I chose Him but He didn't choose me. But alas, I learned it wasn't up to Him to create ministry jobs, but to use that time to form me. I mean, do you think He wants people entering the ministry for the job security or the retirement plan? I think God and I both want the latter over the former. Anywho - loved your post. Keep pushing, don't let up...
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