Gone Crazy.

Photo Credit: mylifestylezen.com

Life is crazy. Crazy I tell ya.

It's crazy that the last time I posted on this blog was almost 2 years ago.
It's crazy that the last post I wrote about then talked about the qualities in a wife that I wanted to one day be able to reflect.
It's crazy that now I am a wife. What?!
It's crazy that all of a sudden I feel like my body is starting to fall apart.

Apparently once you get married your body decides to crap out on you....did you know that? I've already had one cancer scare in the last year, and now i'm facing some thyroid issues and have to have a biopsy on that as well. What the heck body?! What are you doing to me?? I've hardly been sick my entire life (heck the only time I've ever had surgery was to have my wisdom teeth removed), and all of a sudden within a year I'm being attacked left and right. Not to mention that the first 6 months of marriage has brought on the wedded equivalent of the "freshmen 10." Heck. No.

Don't get me wrong, I love married life. Love it. But I have yet to figure out a rhythm. A rhythm of schedule...of exercise...of eating well...of really, well all of it. I'm not sure why I thought that merging two lives wouldn't be this complicated, but I'm realizing it's going to take longer than I thought. (good thing I'm enjoying the challenge!)

So this week I decided I'm done. I'm done with feeling and eating like crap. I'm done with being tired and overloaded. I'm done with making excuses for why I haven't worked out more than one day a week in the last 6 months. It's time for a change.

I've been researching lots of things the last few months...clean eating, juicing, smoothies, detoxing, the effects of processed food on our bodies. The information out there is fascinating. The more I read, the more I realize just how much we poison our bodies with the toxic chemicals in processed food....me being one of the chief consumers of it. Then after watching the documentary "Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead" (see video below) I decided a good healthy "fast" of sorts is what I wanted to try first.



I knew I needed to get all the processed food out of my body, so I'm starting with a five day fruit/veggie smoothie fast. All I'm allowed to have are these smoothies I've made.

No processed junk.
No cheese dip.
No cupcakes.
No coffee.
No way am I going to survive...

So here's your invitation to join me on the journey....if for nothing else, but a good laugh (and some accountability for me). I started this on Monday, so tomorrow I'll give you the rundown of Days 1-3. Join me if you'd like, or maybe just cheer me on...if you know how much I like sugar and despise vegetables, you know i'll need it.

Here goes nothin!

30 Days of 30: Day 19 - Best Question Ever

When I was a little kid, I remember being asked over and over and over, what do you want to be when you grow up?

I also remember my answer changing just about as often as I change purses (and if you know me, that's pretty darn often). I wanted to be an astronaut, a rock star, a lawyer, a dancer, an actress, a writer, a teacher, the president. Let's just say I was an ambitious child...maybe even a little bit of a dreamer. :)

I also remember being crushed for a period of time when I realized that I could never be one of the things I dreamed of.

For a while, I had determined that I was going to be an astronaut. I wanted to walk on the moon, fly into space, and of course eat stale, crunchy ice cream. But when I found out that all astronauts must have perfect vision and no asthma (two things I am lacking), my dream was grounded faster than a space shuttle re-entering the earth. As quickly as I had dreamt it up, my future "identity" had been destroyed.

What I learned as I grew older though, is that people should have been asking me who I wanted to become rather than what I wanted to become.

There's a huge difference.

There are careers we can strive for that are unattainable, unsustainable and temporary...but character is always within reach and always boundless. No matter what state our health, our home or our economy is in, we can never be unwillingly stripped of our character. It is defined by the daily choices that we alone choose to make.

So now, the question is...who do I want to be when I grow up?

There are two lists of qualities I refer to when I define who I aspire to be. The first, Proverbs 31, is a great chapter about being a (future) wife and woman of noble character:

"A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life...
...She sets out about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks...
...She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hand to the needy...
...She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue...
...Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."
     -Proverbs 31: 10-30

Talk about a tall order. That's some pretty lofty goals listed there. Inevitably all of us women will fall short of one or more of these qualities in our lifetime, but what a heck of a character to always strive for!

The other list I refer to is something my good friend and former boss, Joel Thomas, suggested that we create annually. It's called a "To Be" List. It's a list of about 5-7 character traits that we would like to be  known for, with accompanying scripture. I keep this list near me and refer to it often as a means to keep myself in check.  Here's my current list:

1. PATIENT: "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him."  -Psalm 37:7

2. HUMBLE: "He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them His way." -Psalm 25:9

3. COMPASSIONATE: "This is what the Lord Almighty says: administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another."  -Zechariah 7:9

4. DISCIPLINED: "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline."  -Proverbs 1:7

5. JOYFUL: "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."  -Psalm 100:2

6. GRATEFUL: "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."  -1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

So who do you want to be when you grow up?


Jamie

30 Days of 30: Day 18 - Unexpected Blessings

"I can't imagine anything more worthwhile than doing what I most love. 

And they pay me for it."
     -Edgar Winter

I'm not gonna lie...there has not been a single day in the last five years that I haven't looked forward to getting up and going to work. (ok, well maybe not the day I had the stomach virus...but that was for different, obvious reasons)

However if you had told me 10 years ago that I would be working in ministry, at a mega-church, mind you, I would have probably laughed in your face and told you to put down whatever crack you were smoking because it was making you say ridiculous things.

Funny how things change, huh?

It turns out, the place I least expected to be is the place I find myself most content. Most at peace in knowing I'm right in the center of God's will for my life right now. Right where I am supposed to be, even if it is not where I planned to be.

If you and I were to sit down for coffee and I were to tell you my story, the list would be about a mile long of the ways that North Point Ministries has affected my life and my faith.  When I found myself walking through the doors for the first time nine years ago, I was a broken, hurting mess. But God met me in a place where I didn't even want to go.

And there I found healing. I found forgiveness. I found restoration. I found what it truly looks like to have a growing relationship with Jesus...not just one where I tell Him what I want and try to do what I think is right. I found community. I found wisdom. I found a place that I wanted to give back to for all that it had given to me.

I found home.

And when the door of invitation opened up to leave the corporate world and step into full time ministry, I found what I believe is my true calling. To love, to serve, to do everything in my power to point people back to Jesus.

Sometimes I have to pinch myself and ask, is this really my life? Do I really get to do this for a living? What an honor. What a responsibility. What a blessing. This has by far been the most challenging job I've ever had, but also the most rewarding. I am grateful every day for our senior pastor, Andy Stanley, and the small team that took a leap of faith years ago to create a church that was unlike any other. And I'm so thankful for our staff leadership team who makes it their goal to invest in us as employees, as followers of Christ and as friends.

I love the fact that I get to serve Jesus for a living.
It kinda gives the term "working for the man" a whole new meaning... :)


Jamie

30 Days of 30: Day 13 - Thumbprints

So clearly I took a mini-hiatus from writing for a few days...sorry about that friends - weekend work retreat calls. But admittedly, it was nice to take a few involuntary days away from connection to any technology.

However I have found a way to catch up for the lost 6 days, and also cover 6 (ok maybe 7) very important people I am thankful for...

Sue Bates

Misty Paige

Elizabeth Pehrson

Heather Pierpont

Patti Brussat (far left) 

Sharon Turner & Lisa Toomey

Who are these women?

They all, at some point in the past few years, have mentored me. They are women who have given of their time and their hearts to pour into my life, to offer wisdom and encouragement. They are women who are a little ahead of me on the path, but who are willing to show me what they've learned along the way. 

They've laughed with me
cried with me
listened to me
encouraged me
challenged me
guided me
prayed for me
inspired me

And most importantly, they loved me...right where I was at. But they've also loved me enough to not let me stay there. They've helped me understand more of the woman I am and the woman I want to be. They've held a mirror to my face and helped shine a light on my path, and for that I am forever grateful.

They have inspired me to do the same thing...to invest in the next generation. To pass along unique insights and lessons that the Lord is teaching me along the way...maybe even helping to keep some young girl from making some of the same silly mistakes I made. But inevitably, helping to encourage and raise up a generation of women who seek Jesus, who seek wisdom, and who seek to continue to pass it along to the generation that follows them.

These women are a monumental part of my story and have forever left their thumbprints all over my life.

So here's my challenge for you today: on whose life are you making an impact?


"Mentoring is a brain to pick, an ear to listen, and a push in the right direction."
     -John Crosby


Jamie

30 Days of 30: Day 6 - The Handbook to Understanding Women

Men, I have a secret tip for you...

Do you want to finally understand women?
Do you want to know how they're wired, how they think and most importantly, what they want?

Well fellas, fear no more...I am here today to tell you that there are only two "handbooks" that you need in your pursuit to understanding the hearts of women: The Taylor Swift music collection and the book, Captivating.

Now after you quit laughing, and before you give up on reading this post, hear me out. Do you know why just about every girl loves a good Taylor Swift song (whether she admits it or not)? Because inside, we're all really still just a 15 year old girl at heart. And because she's not singing anything we're not already thinking...she's just bold enough to say it out loud. But if you can't deal with the chick music, don't lose hope...you still have the other book, which is what I am really dedicating this post to. :)

I am a self-proclaimed book nerd, and writing is my outlet...so there are numerous books that have played a crucial role in my personal growth. One of those books, hands down, is Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul by John & Stasi Eldredge. It's a book that eloquently encapsulates the desires that lie deep within every woman's heart...the desire "to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to unveil beauty."

Just as every man has certain desires that make him come alive, these three elements are the core desires that make a woman come alive. Most of us women already know that. However, the beauty of this book is the fact that it so perfectly depicts all of the things women are feeling...the hopes, but also the fears. The good, the bad and the ugly parts of who we are and how we are wired. A lot like Taylor, it puts words to countless thoughts and feelings that many women are afraid to say out loud.

It's confirmation that we're not alone. 

And to a woman, that's priceless. To me, it was not only affirmation, but a great reminder of how we're uniquely wired to reflect God within our femininity. And that, is true beauty.

Because whether we're willing to admit it or not every woman, at the core of her being, simply wants to know that she's needed. That' she's worthy. That when it comes to love, yes there are risks....but that she's worth the risk.

She's worth the fight.

She's Captivating.


"Just like God, a woman is not a problem to be solved, but a vast wonder to be enjoyed...As she is sought after, she reveals more of her beauty. As she unveils her beauty, she draws us to know her more deeply. Every woman has a beauty to unveil. Every woman. Because she bears the image of God."
     -From Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge




Jamie

30 Days of 30: Day 5 - Check Please!

"Map out your future, but do it in pencil."

                                                 -Bon Jovi

I'm a planner.

It's how God has wired me. I LOVE the idea of dreaming up and mapping out an entire plan, then seeing it come to fruition. Whether it be a party, a trip, an event, a goal...I thrive on taking a big picture, breaking it down into a feasible strategy and then making it happen. In fact, if you add up the money i've spent in my lifetime on planners, calendars and notebooks for to-do lists, well you just might be able to hire a personal assistant to track all that for me.

I also make lists. Lots of lists. I sometimes even put things on my lists that i've already done just so I can check them off and feel like i've accomplished more in the day (yes, I know they have support groups for that kind of thing...just call it the overachiever in me).


But even within my well thought out and highly anticipated plans, i've somehow always carried within me the capacity to go with the flow when things change at the last minute. I normally don't mind a little shift on the fly...it rarely, if ever, stresses me out or makes me mad. I'm an easy-going type of gal who can usually roll with the punches in a patient and placid demeanor.

...except when God starts messing with my plans.

Oops.

Can we say hypocrite, party of one?

How in the world is it that I can be patient and flexible with everything and everyone around me except for the God who gave all of it to me in the first place? It's simple...I put my big God in a little bitty box without even realizing it.

In my late teens and early 20's I made a plan for my life. And in my mind, it was a good plan. It was what I thought I wanted...so of course that had to be what God wanted for me right? So I mapped out my dreams and goals and then set out guns a blazin' on my trail to follow my perfect plan. And what happened?

My plan failed. Miserably.

I found myself completely broken, attempting to pick up the pieces of what was left of my shattered dreams, all the while looking back and wondering what the heck I did wrong? I loved Jesus, I went to church, I talked to Him daily, I tried to be the best person I knew how to be...why didn't my plan work?

And then the light bulb went off...

In a moment of painful desperation I cried out to God asking why He took my perfectly good plan away from me...and it was as if I heard Him whisper "because it was never MY plan for you."

Ouch.

I finally grasped that all along, even though it was, in my mind, a good plan...it was just that. MINE. I went along my life doing my own thing, charting my own path all the while kind of asking God to just "check off" on my plan as somewhat of an afterthought. When in reality, I should have been doing it the other way around all along. I should have leaned into the desires of my heart, and then earnestly taken them to God, surrendering them to Him while patiently waiting for His direction and confirmation.

I learned (the hard way) that it's ok to make a plan for my life. It's ok to dream and to lean into those God-given desires of my heart...but I need to be willing to loosen my grip and fully surrender those desires to God, and more importantly, I need to desire HIS plan over mine - no matter what it looks like. And when I begin to get anxious or impatient, I need to remind myself to trust that He knows what's best for me...afterall, He can see much more of the big picture than I will ever be able to.

Do you know what I've realized in doing that? I'm not nearly as creative as I thought I was because my life since then is living proof that God has WAY bigger and cooler dreams for me than I ever had.

...and I'm totally ok with that. :)



Jamie

30 Days of 30: Day 4 - ForGIVEness

 

 “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that 
the prisoner was you.”

      -Lewis B. Smedes

Close your eyes with me for a moment and reflect. (ok, maybe wait until after you read this paragraph first, otherwise this exercise is going to be exceedingly difficult to do) I want you to think of someone who has hurt you. I'm not talking about the kid in middle school who called you (and everyone else) brace face, I'm talking about someone who has truly, in every sense of the word, wounded you.

Maybe they lied to you.
Maybe they betrayed you.
Maybe they left you.

But in some form or fashion their actions, in your mind, justified a need for remorse. They've committed an act against you that warrants rectification. There is something that at some point, you feel they have owed you. There is a debt that needs to be paid.

Is your blood boiling yet? Take a deep breath and bear with me.

The irony of this situation is that in this scenario, unless you are willing to fully forgive that person (with or without an apology) YOU are the one enslaved to the offender. YOU are the one that will lie awake at night rehashing the situation, thinking through what you really want to say, if you had the opportunity to set them straight. And guess what? Odds are that they aren't losing any sleep over it. Guess what else? If just thinking about this person and this scenario is causing your blood pressure to even slightly rise, you're nowhere near close to truly forgiving them, no matter how much you think you've let go of what happened.

You see, the easy part is forgiving someone who is genuinely sorry. Someone who acknowledges the error in their ways and begs you for forgiveness. The problematic situation is forgiving someone who is not. Someone who either isn't willing to accept responsibility for their actions, or thinks they weren't in the wrong to begin with. How do you go about forgiving them? Do you forgive them? Is that even possible?

Learning this principle was a major game changer for me...so don't miss this:

There is FREEDOM in unconditional FORGIVENESS.

Forgiveness that is not earned.
Forgiveness that is not solicited.
Forgiveness that is not, in some cases, seemingly necessary.

If you look at the context of "forgiveness" you will see a very crucial word hidden within the text: give. I don't think that's a coincidence. True, unconditional forgiveness is not a feeling. It's a choice we make. It's a gift we have the opportunity to give...on behalf of the One who gave His life for our ultimate forgiveness.

Hidden within the confines of unmerited forgiveness are the offerings of grace, love and truth.

Grace says I will bless you even though you don't necessarily deserve it.

     "...and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus."   -Romans 3:24

Love says I accept you right where you are.

     "Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, but love your neighbor as yourself."  -Leviticus 19:18

Truth says I will continue to point you back to Jesus in all I do.

     "Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the head, that is, Christ."  -Ephesians 4:15

So how do you know when you've truly forgiven someone?

For me, it was when I was able to sit down to pray for that person who hurt me...to genuinely pray for God to bless them and to know that I really meant it. It didn't happen over night. It wasn't easy all the time. But it was a daily (sometimes hourly) choice to cancel the "debt" I felt was owed to me, and to believe that God has much bigger things in this world for me to carry for Him than a grudge.

Who do you need to truly forgive today?


Jamie

30 Days of 30: Day 3 - My Golden Ticket

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone."

          -Neale Donald Walsch

I love the airport. I love the whole process of packing a suitcase, going through the ticket line, sitting at the gate and people watching. Taking off on an adventure somewhere outside of your normal 9 to 5 daily grind. Exploring new cities and discovering new places.

But until about 5 years ago, I only enjoyed doing this within the continental United States.

Why?

Because it was predictable. Because it was "safe." Because it was comfortable.

When I was younger I made a list of places around the world I would like to see one day. But I never thought much of it because in my mind there were so many variables that were out of my control once I left the comfort of my home country.  In fact, I used to always say that I never felt "called" to go on a mission trip. I fully supported missions and those who ventured out, but that just wasn't what God was telling me to do.

But it just wasn't true.

The reality was that I had felt a gentle nudge from God for a few years about taking a trip...but I chose, for a long time, to ignore it. And then one day, after watching a video in church about several teams who had just come back from trips all around the world, something clicked. I knew it was time to stretch myself and take a step out of my little box.

It was time to apply for my passport.

And when it arrived at my home, two days before my first mission trip, it might as well have been Willy Wonka himself standing at my door with the Golden Ticket. It was beautiful. It's fresh, blank pages just waiting to be stamped with remnants of adventures of a lifetime. It was my ticket to a new perspective. My chance to see the world through the eyes of someone else...to paint the picture of other cultures the way no book could ever do.

It was my opportunity to experience God in a whole new light. To stand with people in another country who are thousands of miles from me, who speak another language, but yet to worship the same great God is absolutely humbling and astounding.  And to carry those friendships with me wherever I go, just makes this great big world that much smaller.

My passport is not just my ticket to adventure...it's my invitation to serve God in a way I could never serve Him at home in my comfort zone. It's my opportunity to shift my perspective of my reality I've created for myself in my own little corner of the world.

It's my little reminder of just how small we are and how infinitely big He is.



Jamie

30 Days of 30: Day 2-The Gift of Grace

"When we are on the receiving end, grace is refreshing. When it is required of us, it is often disturbing. But when correctly applied, it seems to solve just about everything."
     -From The Grace of God by Andy Stanley

Let me take you back to English 101 for a moment. Remember when you used to have to read a book or short story, and then pick out the underlying themes of said story? Well, if you were to look at the story of my life one of the major underlying themes would undeniably be the concept of grace...

...beautiful, tender, unsettling, all-encompassing grace.

Grace is the gift that can often only be truly valued, understood and given away in the midst of trials, brokenness and pain. But in the center of those dark times grace is the beacon of light. The reminder that we are loved by our creator in ways we will never be able to fathom this side of heaven.

In my journey of learning to give and receive grace, I've come to one conclusion: I always want to be known for extending too much grace rather than not enough. Otherwise I'm no less selfish than one who hoards their riches. I always want to be as generous in giving grace as the one who gave it to me.

Here's an excerpt from a blog post I wrote a few years back about the gift of grace - even in the small things...

[Blogpost from 2007]
Today I am thankful for grace.

I love it when God shows up in the smallest and strangest places to remind us of the most important things. Back in the spring, I had found my heart wrestling with acceptance. I know that my identity is firmly and deeply rooted in Christ's love for me, but every now and then the enemy tries to taunt me with self-condemnation. Even though I know that Jesus has fully forgiven me for my past sins, I find myself occasionally struggling with receiving that forgiveness. Consequently when this happens, the enemy will use that as a tool to make me feel broken - telling me that noone will ever want to love someone who has made such prodigiously unwise decisions as I have in the past.

Fast forward to Memorial Day weekend. I spent 4 fun-filled days at the beach with about 25 of my closest friends. On the way home we stopped for our traditional breakfast at Cracker Barrel. The wait to seat our group was about an hour, so we proceeded to wander aimlessly through the cute little country store in the front of the restaurant playing with toys, smelling all the candles, and basically just goofing off to kill the time.

At one point, I stood at a table full of useless knick-knack toys. I picked up this cute little wooden bird, which would balance on your finger like a perch. I placed it on my finger and jokingly showed my new pet to my friend Jessica, who was standing nearby. As I laughed and turned to put it back, it fell from my finger, breaking into three pieces. i instantly felt like that kid in the glass store who just knocked over a set of dishes. I picked it up and immediately started towards the cash register, prepared to pay for my blunder. However as soon as I stood up, one of the Cracker Barrel greeters stood directly in front of me, smiling with her hand outstretched in my direction. Apparently she had witnessed the whole thing. I apologized profusely and told her that I would immediately pay for my fault. She just smiled at me (visibly missing quite a few teeth), took the bird out of my hand and said "honey, if I made you pay for that i'd have to make every single child that comes in here and breaks something pay for theirs too...it's ok." And with that, she walked off to put it in the back room.

As she walked away, I felt so sheepish. Even though she told me it was fine, I couldn't help but feel guilty for being so careless and silly. And then I noticed something. As she walked back out of the storeroom, I noticed the name that was embroidered on her apron.

Her name was Grace.

I was overcome with emotion - I stood there and just teared up right in the middle of a restaurant, right in front of all my friends. And in that moment, I felt God whispering to me. I knew that I was the "bird," broken...but still forgiven. I got it. It amazed me to see how God could use some petty experience in a restaurant to calm my heart over what I had been fighting. I resisted the urge to go and hug the nice lady, for fear that she might think I was nuts - she had no idea how God just used her in my life in such a big way.

As we drove home, I just kept thanking God over and over for using something so small to remind me of something so big - that He extends us ALL grace so that we may freely receive it and live fully redeemed in His power of forgiveness. No, we don't deserve it, but He loves us so much that He gives it to us regardless. And I thanked Him for allowing me to hear his whisper, even in the middle of a busy restaurant lobby.

What are you thankful for today?



Jamie

30 Days of 30: Day 1 - Roots

"Insanity is hereditary - you get it from your kids."
                                                    ~Sam Levenson

If I'm going to spend 30 days sharing all the parts that make up me, it only makes sense to start in the very beginning...a very good place to start (my apologies to Julie Andrews & The Sound of Music). Ahem.

That's right, I'm talking about the two people who are single handedly responsible for fact that I never drowned because they made me wait 30 minutes after eating before getting back in the pool. The ones that made me sit at the kitchen table until I ate all of my vegetables (but who also never knew that I flung half of them behind the microwave stand because I didn't really want to eat them...sorry mom!). The unsung heroes who bandaged my skinned knees, dried my tears and refereed my knock down-drag outs with my sisters. The ones who still, at age 30, make me call them anytime I get to where I'm going when I head out of town. (and I'm ok with that)

I'm talking about my 'rents. Good 'ole Mom and Dad.

I'm one of the lucky ones. When I look back on my childhood, I get to smile and say that my mind is filled with happy memories.

Memories of laughter.
Memories of building tents in the living room out of sheets.
Memories of dancing in the den to all their favorite records.
Memories of feeling the freedom to be a dreamer.
Memories of never hanging up the phone without hearing my parents say I love you.

Did they do everything perfectly? Of course not, they're human.  But there wasn't a single dance recital, band concert, game, competition or performance that I ever looked up at and didn't see both of their proud faces (well, usually I only saw one face - the other was hidden behind the video camera, of course). I never once had to question my priority in their lives. I never once wondered if they were proud of me (no matter how good or bad I did).

They've laughed with me, cried with me, and of course, grounded me more times than I care to remember...but they've always loved me. They've always shown me an amazing example of sacrificial love in their 35 years of marriage (and still going!). They've always helped pick up the pieces when my world seemed to be falling apart. They've always been there. And one day I hope my own future kids get to see just how special these two are.

Mom & Dad, thanks for loving me...no matter what. I am grateful for you and love you more than you'll ever know.

Jamie

30 Days of 30

Last year was a big year for me. 

Entering into a whole new decade was exciting, depressing, promising and terrifying all at the same time. (How is that even possible? Just reading that sentence makes me feel a little bit like that girl. You know, the moody one that is hidden down in the depths of each and every God-fearing, Midol-popping, chocolate-eating woman? Yeah, that one.) But so far, 30 has been good to me.

Challenging..but good. Real good.

I've embraced and rather appreciated the fact that my life currently looks nothing like I thought it would by now. I feel less in control than I ever have, yet each day I grow more and more amenable to the unpredictable path that God has been laying out for me instead. I'm not saying it's easier to follow His path, in fact, the control freak in me tries to make a calculated escape from time to time. But if there's anything that i've learned over the past 10 years, it's that His path is definitely much more fruitful, edifying and stretching. And I like that. I've begun to crave that.

So, as the control freak...er, I mean planner in me looked at the calendar this week, I realized that as of tomorrow, I have exactly 30 days left before I have my first full year in my 30's under my belt.

Wow, how did that happen so fast?

Remember the days when we used to count down until our next birthday? We couldn't wait to get older? In fact, I remember proudly proclaiming that I was ten AND A HALF, or twelve AND A HALF....because it meant that I was that much closer to being a teenager. Let me tell you, those days are long gone. In fact, if you ask me how old I am now, or if you ask me how old I am in 3 years, chances are you just might get the same number...as long as I can get away with it. :)

But I digress...

A friend asked me the other day how I was planning on celebrating my birthday this year, and the more I thought about it, I kind of had to laugh. I think at this point in my life, I have begun to find the idea of making a big deal about me on my birthday kind of odd.... I mean heck, all I did that day was show up. My mom and dad (well mostly mom) did the hard work. (we'll give the doc some credit too)

So this year, I'm not going to celebrate me.

I'm going to celebrate that which has really made me, well....me.
The things/people/places/events/life lessons that have shaped who I am and have led me to the place I am today.  I am grateful for another day to be alive, and I am also grateful for the path that has allowed me to have another birthday. Beginning tomorrow, for the next 30 days, I will post about one of these said "game changers" for me each day as a way to both reflect on where God has brought me to this point, and to say thank you to those who have helped keep me alive and out of jail all these years. :)

Because too often we count our troubles more than our blessings...and I never want to lose sight of the fact that I have been abundantly (albeit undeservingly) blessed beyond measure thus far.

Jamie

Time to Stretch

What's the number one rule in just about any sport and/or athletic activity? 

Of course...be sure to stretch.

Have you ever danced, played a sport all day or participated in something physically strenuous, and not adequately stretched before you do it? What happens?

You'll likely move about at a snail's pace the next day...or at a minimum, you'll encounter a significant amount of pain. That's because you didn't give your body adequate time to warm up and prepare for the impending physical impact. It's not rocket science. In fact, most athletes make it a priority to stretch on a regular basis...not because they see immediate results, but because over time as they consistently make stretching part of their routine, their muscles adapt and find the ability to go just a little bit further each time.

The same theory holds true of us internally...our hearts, our minds, our character and skills.

So if this is the case, why do we rarely ask God to stretch us? Why do we often lean into our own strengths as best we can to avoid being stretched in our weaknesses?

I'll admit, I'm not always the best at stretching before I workout. Sometimes it's because I don't have (translation=make) the time. Sometimes it's because I'm so eager to get into whatever it is that I'm doing, I can't be bothered with anything else that's going to keep me from it. Sometimes I'm just plain lazy.

And what's the result?  Pain. 

Most likely a lot more pain than if I had just taken the time to allow for the stretching in the first place.

I'm also not the best at proactively asking God to stretch me in certain areas, before He decides to do it anyways. The control freak in me wants to continue to plow forward, working out of the many strengths and talents that I have been blessed with, because it's comfortable. Because it's easier. Because I somewhat feel like I can control it.

And then there are the times when I feel the Lord nudging me to just allow Him to stretch me...maybe even just a little, and I resist. I resist because I'm comfortable. I resist because I'm anxious to get what I want, and I know stopping to stretch might prolong reaching the goal. I resist because I'm afraid. 

But if I am confident that God is in control and He will fill in the gaps, then why do I worry? He's proved it over and over in scripture:

Moses had a speech impediment, yet God stretched him and called him to speak to thousands of people. 

Peter was uneducated, but he was stretched and put forth as a leader.

Paul said it best when he wrote:

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."   -2 Corinthians 12:9

I do know that if we're willing to surrender those areas of weakness to God and allow Him to stretch us, over time we will begin to see a culminated effort of growth and transformation within our own hearts...which ultimately just helps keep us dependent upon Him and brings Him glory in the long run. 

Isn't that the point?

Lord, I want to be the best me you've designed me to be. I'm busting out my yoga mat and I'm ready to do a little more stretching... 

Jamie

Play that funky music...

I love music. Like...a lot.

No, seriously.

It's a pretty safe bet that 99.9% of the time, i'm singing one song or another in my head (and sometimes out loud...my apologies to all my cube mates at work).

So today I was driving in my car with my iPod on shuffle. It never disappoints me. It's like an unending game of "name that tune." Each selection arbitrarily fluttering from genre to genre. There are some songs that have been sitting in my ipod untouched for quite some time. If it were an actual cd, you'd likely need to wipe off a layer of dust before playing them.

In the midst of my eclectic mix, I look down just in time to see Deana Carter's "Strawberry Wine" pop up on the playlist. Oh, but not just any version...the karaoke version. Oh yes. You can guess what happened next...

I rocked the entire song. (at the top of my lungs, mind you, like I was Kelly Clarkson singin' for her supper)

Of course I was by myself in my car (thank goodness).  But nonetheless, for a few moments I was transported back to my senior year of high school when my friends and I, with our freshly earned driver's licenses, used to belt out this song as loud as we could. And then I also recalled another line in the song. The one that says "I still remember when 30 was old..." Yeah. That one.

I recalled how we used to say "umm...30 IS old."

Aaaaand then I looked at my calendar and realized that I have exactly 60 days until I hit the big 3-0.

Ouch.

Funny how 30 doesn't seem quite as old to me now as it did then. And funny how a song can remind you of a specific time and place in your life so vividly...like a soundtrack.

So that got me thinking...as i'm about to exit my 20's and enter the world of "thirty, flirty and thriving" (a little throwback to all my 13 going on 30 movie fans), what kind of soundtrack do I want for the last days of my 20's? How can I wisely and purposefully use these next 60 days?

I can tell you I don't want to leave my 20's kicking and screaming...I want to gracefully exit singing and dancing. I have a feeling i'm going to look back on this decade as some of the hardest, yet most amazing times in my life. I want to celebrate that. And I want to look forward to what God has for me next.

I haven't always felt that way...in fact, this is something i've really wrestled with for the better part of the last two years. Mostly for stupid, stereotypical reasons. But i'm coming around, and beginning to get a little excited about the next chapter. I'm excited to enter with a much better grasp of who I really am rather than who I thought I was when I entered my 20's.

So, here's my top 5 selections for my life soundtrack for the next 60 days:

1. Glory to God Forever - Steve Fee
2. Footloose - Kenny Loggins (did you really think I wouldn't have an 80's throwback in there?)
3. Typical - Mutemath
4. You Can't Hurry Love - The Supremes
5. My Next 30 Years - Tim McGraw

Ok, your turn...what's your current life soundtrack?

Jamie

And one to grow on...

"Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty."  ~Henry Ford

So, today I turn another year....umm....wiser (yeah, we'll go with that, I hate the word 'old'), and I have to say that I am so grateful that I am nowhere near where I had actually planned for my life at this age. God's plans have been so much cooler than I ever could have imagined. I won't say they've been easier by any means, but an amazing journey and learning process none the less. 

If there's one thing i've learned over the years, it's that we should never stop learning (no pun intended). We must constantly keep our eyes and ears open to what God is teaching us - through our friends, our surroundings, and our circumstances.

So today, instead of gifts for me, I come bearing gifts for you! In a fond farewell to my 28th year (Dear 28, you've been a heck of a challenge, but oh so good to me), I give you 28 things I've learned or words of wisdom i've picked up throughout the year:

1. All of my life, in every season, you are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship. 

2. Moving home at 28 can be more of a challenge than living on my own.

3. It IS possible to sleep on a 16 hour flight...all you need is a tray table, a neck pillow & dramamine!

4. We all need people in our lives to point out our "blind spots"

5. It's a small world after all

6. I want to pursue Gods heart with all of my heart.

7. God loves you as you are and not as you should be, because you'll never be as you should be. 

8. It is still socially acceptable to make music videos with your girlfriends in your late 20s. Ok maybe not, but my friends don't judge me for it.

9. God can restore friendships, no matter the distance or how much time has passed. 

10. True self awareness: the good, the bad & the ugly is necessary for authentic growth. It can be a painful, yet beautiful process at the same time.

11. There's no bad mood a motown playlist can't fix.

12. It's never too late to relive your childhood...even if it means shelling out some dough to see NKOTB

13. A red bull a day keeps the drowsiness away.

14. God's movement in my life is proof that I dream way too small for myself. 

15.  It's never too late to improve yourself.

16. Getting braces at 28 was one of the best decisions I ever made.

17. God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in him.

18. Faith is a verb. What are you doing right now that requires faith?

19. Trust God to the point that you believe what he says over how you feel.

20. The condition of my heart is critical to the effectiveness of my ministry. Internal health drives external impact.

21. People who cut me off in traffic, then look at me like its my fault bring out some nasty anger in me. I need to work on this. Jesus loves bad drivers too...

22. On my best day I'm just as needy of God as my worst day.

23. No one can know God who does not first know himself.

24. Love God, love others.

25. Love is to reveal the beauty of another person to themselves.

26. Everyone needs someone in their life who can ask you the hard questions about ourselves... and we need to answer them.

27. I've come a long way baby.

28. I've still got a long way to go...

and one to grow on...

29. It IS possible to write an entire blog post while sitting at red lights on the way to work. (Exhibit A)

“The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination.” -Don Williams Jr.

Grateful for another year to be alive,

Jamie

Crooked little smile...

"Crooked little smile on her face,
tells a tale of grace
that's all her own..."
- Norah Jones

So, i've made some more changes in my life, can you tell...


What? You don't see anything different?

Good.

That's the point!

I'll give you a hint...



Yep. For the first time in my life, I just got braces.

I bet you're thinking - Wait...what? But I don't see them! That's because you're not supposed to! The kind I got are these amazing things called "Lingual Braces"...they go behind your teeth...so that grown women like me don't wind up looking like they have a train wreck on their face when they're trying to speak in front of a crowd, or even (gasp) go on a date.

Here's a view of what they look like from the inside:


Now, I know what you're thinking...what kind of 28 year old single genius waits until the END of her 1 year dating fast to move home (temporarily) and get braces? Yeah, pardon me while I wait for the boys to line up at the door...my parents door. (enter crickets chirping, stage left) Ahem.

If you know me well enough, you know that I am laughing at myself and my impeccable timing. If you don't know me well enough, well...you just might be getting ready to send me your counselor's number on speed dial. But don't worry...I have enough self-confidence to be able to look at the situation and laugh at the irony. It's not the first time in my life that i've done something completely backwards....and it's likely it won't be the last.

But here's the real irony - the way in which this external transformation is really parallel to the transformation my heart has already experienced internally over the past few years...

I mean sure, i'm making some physical improvements a little late in the game...but better late than never right? And yeah, they're not exactly attractive - but neither is digging through the muck of our brokenness. Sure, both journeys are painful (let me tell ya, you haven't felt pain until you feel what it's like to try and move teeth that have been in the same place for the last 28 years...goodbye crunchy foods, hello mashed potatoes!), but the end result of both is a newer, improved, more beautiful version of yourself...one on the inside, one out.

Kinda cool, huh?


Jamie

Not my finest hour

I came home from small group tonight and did what any other self-respecting 28 year old woman would do...

I pitched a fit in front of my dad (and by dad, I mean the heavenly one).

No, I didn't lay on the ground kicking and screaming, but don't think that I didn't contemplate it. First, I had it out with him in the car on the way home-I mean, almost to the point of yelling. I turned the radio up as loud as my ears would tolerate, hoping that it would drown out my thoughts....but no luck.  When I got home, I threw the car into park so hard I thought I might have broken the gear shift. I stomped up the stairs to my apartment, slammed the door, proceeded into my room where I aggressively chunked my purse and phone across the bed and began tearing off my coat. Unfortunately none of this really did anything to make me feel better. Well, maybe just a little...

But the frustrating part is, I don't know who I am more irritated at - myself, or God.

For the past year or so, I have been on this incredibly humbling and sometimes just downright laborious journey of self-awareness with God.  I've learned more about myself in the past year than I have in the last 5 years combined. And for that, i'm very grateful.  Sometimes it's beautiful, but sometimes it's just downright gross. I've been forced to dig back into pain from my past that has brought new pain and frustrations to the surface, but also freedom and release. With that process comes a wave of emotions. I've cried more in the past 2 months than I have in the past 3 years combined. I feel like for the last year i've been on a constant emotional roller coaster.  If I were to be completely honest, here are some of the thoughts that have, at some point in recent months, run through my head:

I'm mad at myself for letting little things distract me and take me way off course

I'm frustrated with God for not fulfilling some of the desires of my heart already

I'm disappointed that i've let myself fall into the same trap multiple times

I'm tired of being emotionally drained

I'm humbled at the fact that God is still using me amidst this season of refinement

I'm ready to be pursued

I'm afraid i'm not good enough

I'm overwhelmed with the thought of how much I still have to learn

I'm thankful that God loves me in spite of all of these thoughts...

I don't share these thoughts because I need encouragement or affirmation. I share them because it's where I am. I'm in a season of refinement...and in that season is some ugliness.

But I welcome it. 

Every day isn't like this. There are many, many days where I laugh constantly and I can't stop thanking God for all the blessings he has bestowed on an undeserving sinner like me. Blessings which include those few and far between ugly days where my heart hurts so much I can hardly stand it. Because I know that in pain, there is redemption. In hurt, there is hope. And in brokenness, there is beauty.

Under Construction

So…it’s a new year, and in case you can’t tell by the slight face lift that my blog just got, things are a changin’…can you handle it? That’s right boys and girls, there’s some new things coming your way here at good ole Sleepless In Atlanta, and some of them are not for the faint of heart. Ok, maybe they are, but with the dwindling economy I had to resort to my own marketing…I’m trying to entice you at my best angle. ;) Here are some new additions that are coming soon to SIL:

1. Creative Corner – I love to be creative. I thrive off of it. Believe it or not, people have actually told me I have a lot of creative ideas, and recent personality & leadership tests have confirmed. That’s right folks, you’ve got a genuine creativity nut on your hands here (well, at least the nut part is true), so why not share in the fun?! At least once a month, I’ll be posting some of my creative ideas from random arenas in my life and showing you how you too, can scratch that creative itch in many…..um…..creative ways. Look for these ideas under the “Creative Corner” category on the right side of my blog.
2. Jamie’s Favorite Things – hey if Oprah can share all her favorite new discoveries, I can too. Why not?! I love learning about new technologies, books, destinations, etc….if I’m exploring, I might as well pass along stuff that’s worth your while!
3. Blogspot-light – I read blogs….lots of them. It’s how I keep up with family, friends, and keep a pulse on lots of different things going on in the world. Sometimes I come across blog posts that are worthy of sharing, and that’s just what I’ll do. Be on the lookout for intriguing stories of interest periodically. Hey, it’s a blog eat blog world, somebody’s gotta dig in and find the good stuff.

And perhaps the most significant change you’re going to see on my blog has nothing to do with topics or technology or even global news. The biggest change I hope you will see in my posts will be a deeper dive into the trenches of my heart.

Over the past six or so years, I’ve really been learning what it looks like to be vulnerable, transparent and willing to share my finest moments as well as my not so finest moments. And until recently, I thought I had been doing a pretty good job at it. But thankfully, I have been blessed to have some amazingly wise people in my life who have helped hold a mirror up to my face to see some of the real depth that I’ve been hiding, and God has been revealing to me some amazing truths over the past 8 months.

You see, as a kid, I can remember working on a surprise or a project for my parents or sisters. Like the time I made something for my mom, or the time I wanted to surprise my folks and re-organize my room all by myself. I can remember mom poking her head in my door and me telling her to get out because I wasn’t finished yet…I wanted her to see the final product – not a work in progress. It didn’t even occur to me until now, that this trend had carried over into my spiritual life. I have had no problem over the past couple of years in sharing with anyone what I have learned through some of the trials God has brought me through – but I was sharing most of them from the “finished product” perspective. In other words, I would wait until I had essentially “come out” of a situation, had time to process and assess what it was that God was trying to teach me through that, and then share what I learned out of it. I think I was afraid for people to see me in the middle of my mess. Sure there are a couple of super close friends that saw me through the entire process, but to most of the known world, they were just getting the polished, ‘I’m wiser for having learned that’ aspect of me. And that’s not who I want to be.

As a wise friend told me, there is beauty in brokenness…with emphasis being on the word IN, not past the brokenness. Sure, God can certainly use our brokenness once we’ve come out of it, but think of how much he can use us while we’re right smack in the middle of it.

So that’s my goal..to be more real. To be more “raw,” so to speak. And to not let fear of judgment or appearing imperfect keep me from sharing the real depths of my heart…not only in my writing, but in my friendships as well.

I believe I’ve quoted Steven Furtick in my blog before for this line, but I’ll quote him again: “between the promise of God in your life and the payoff is a process.”

Welcome to my process.

Jamie

Crazy Love

I've been back in the states for about two weeks now. All my bags have long been unpacked, but I am just beginning to unpack all that God has revealed to me through the amazing experiences I had in Sydney. He has grown my heart for students even more than it already was. He has given me a heart and a desire to truly love and pray for the people of Australia. I hope that one day soon I get to see all my new, sweet friends there again. But even beyond the actual experience, God is (and has been since April) stirring up something in me. Something big. Something different. Maybe it's multiple something(s). I'm not 100% sure what it is either. But I do know one thing...

...I am stinkin' FIRED UP!

I haven't felt this alive in a while, and while it excites me, it also scares me a little. Partially because I know myself - I can get super excited about the potential of something or what's to come, but get distracted by the "tyranny of the urgent" and lose the wind in my sails...then get mad at myself for losing focus, and so on and so on. It's a vicious cycle. Part of me is scared/excited because I feel like I might be venturing into uncharted territory in my life. But seriously God, no matter how much I might kick and scream at times, bring it on. I need it. I desire it. We're called to it, by you.

My small group is reading an amazing book right now by Francis Chan called "Crazy Love." I'm not kidding when I say this book is seriously rocking my world. If you haven't read it, go get it. Now. Seriously, stop reading this blog, go order it on Amazon and come back.

Go ahead, i'll wait.... :)

Ok, did you do it? Good! Anyways...In the book, Francis makes a great point. He says:

"Life is comfortable when you separate yourself from people who are different from you. But God doesn't call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn't come through."

Then Francis asks a great question that I realized I need to be asking myself DAILY:

"What are you doing right now that requires faith?"

As I hashed this question out with my small group tonight, yes, I realized that there are some big things in the past year that I have done that required faith, but how much am I asking myself that daily, in the small things AND the large things to come? I think I have been missing out on tons of opportunities to do so, simply because I haven't been consciously asking myself this question on a regular basis.

Back in April, I honestly prayed hard that God would make my 28th year a "year of transformation." So far, He has seriously answered my prayer in ways that I would have never imagined. But I think there's more to come. I know there's more to come. So what's next, you ask? I'm not quite sure yet...but I do know that i'm ready.


And i'm excited...not because I know what's on the horizon - because I have no idea what's to come.

The fasten seatbelt sign has come on...

Buckle up ladies and gentlemen, it's about to get bumpy around here.

Sorry that I haven't written since I got back, God has really just been stirring up so much in my heart that I really just had to take some time to sit on things, process them, and attempt to figure out what it all means. I'm heading into some unfamiliar territory in my life currently, and since I just recently returned from some world travels, I thought the turbulence analogy would only be fitting. :)

Right now my heart and my head are in a place of uncertainty. For the first time in my life, i'm learning how to truly surrender multiple desires close to my heart willingly before it is my only option... that leaves me a little nervous, but definitely willing to rely on God's faithfulness to honor my actions that I feel Him prompting me to act upon. God's gentle tug that i've felt to get out of my comfort zone has only been countered by satan's attempt to distract me with other heartaches and frustrations, and I find myself incredibly vulnerable and stuck in the middle of what seems like a battle between good and evil.

But I do know one thing...I never want to put God in a box.

I never want to limit Him to the sometimes ridiculously insignificant ambitions and plans that I might think up for my life. I have learned that His plans always far exceed anything I could ever dream of. They always will. And I also have to remember that my life is not my own...I was bought with a price and I am not here on this earth to serve my own selfish desires of the flesh. I am here to serve a God that loves me beyond comprehension. And that's what I have to give back...trust beyond all comprehension.

My dear friend and prayer partner, Shae was just reminding me tonight that in times like these we must constantly cling to God's word and bury his scripture in our hearts as a tool to battle the enemy and charge on towards whatever it is God is calling us to do. Tonight I am clinging to the words in Isaiah 41:10 that say:

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

So now I go into this bumpy season of life...I don't know how long it will last, and I don't know where i'll be when I come out on the other side...but I am trusting that God is my seatbelt...He will keep me secure and in His will as long as i'm willing to trust, obey, and not be afraid to follow Him at any cost.

Jamie

Strength Will Rise...

The last two weeks at 7|22 have been so good for my soul. Not only because Jeanne Stevens communicated two amazing messages of God's truth, but also because the topic of spiritual waiting is something that resonates intimately with my heart.

Over the past six years God has continually confronted me and challenged me to be patient and wait...wait for clarity, for understanding, for restoration, for wisdom, for healing and for HIS timing - not my own. However, Jeanne's messages reminded me that while I was (and/or am still waiting) for these things, the most important thing I am waiting on is for God to leverage this time to make some radical transformations in my life.

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord...

I have not always been at a place in my heart where I readily welcomed periods of waiting...especially long ones. I could go on for pages of how God pulled me out of a very dark time in my life, primarily through an extensive waiting period, but i'll spare you those detais...for now. I can, however, pinpoint one specific trial in my life during that time when God tested me more than He ever has, and at the same time, has never felt so close.

At the age of 22, God met me in a much needed period of restoration. I had been through a life altering ordeal that left me utterly broken, hopeless and crying out to Jesus to mend what was left of my shattered dreams. I remember the night I broke down and had it out with God...I finally understood and accepted what it meant to surrender my plan (not just say that I did), and I willingly did so - asking and welcoming God to do whatever was necessary in my life to break me down and build me back up into the person He created me to be.

And He did.

One by one, I experienced God completely break me in every aspect of my life...emotionally, relationally, mentally, financially, and in December of 2003....physically. I don't know why I never thought that this would be an area that God would use to reach out to me. I guess I just assumed that all the work He needed to do was in my heart and my mind. I learned to never underestimate the ways or the means in which God will get our attention and repair us.

That month, I started having really bad headaches...the kind that are so debilitating that I didn't want to get out of bed. I remember sitting in church one Sunday, as the headaches continued, and noticing big black spots that were blocking my vision. I had heard that people who suffered from migraines often saw spots, so I self-diagnosed that I was having migraine issues, and decided to make an appointment with a doctor to get it checked out. When Monday morning came, the pain was so bad that I could not wait to get an appointment. I had to have my mom drive me to the emergency room, for what I thought would be a quick visit. I thought that they would just do a cat scan, decipher that I had migraines, write me a prescription and I would be on my way.

Boy was I wrong...

When the doctor came back after hours of waiting for my test results, he very casually told me that they found something on my scan that could be an aneurysm or potentially even a brain tumor. The next few minutes were a blur as I heard words thrown around such as "emergency brain surgery," "radiation," and "permanent vision loss." For the record, the words brain and surgery should never be used in a sentence around me...the outcome is not so great.

In a matter of minutes I went from a girl with a bad headache to potentially a life threatening illness. Talk about a "where's God" moment. After running more tests that day, the doctors ruled out an aneurysm (to my relief), but could not rule out the potential of a brain tumor. At this point, we determined that I had lost a good portion of my peripheral vision in my left eye, and I was told that this vision loss would be permanent. The following week brought more tests, awful medicine that made me swell to almost twice my normal size, and word that I was going to have to wait 3 months before they could determine exactly what was wrong with me, and what to do. I can remember going home that night and crying out to God...

"I might have a brain tumor, and you want me to wait?!"

For the next three months, that's all I could do. I was told to go about my normal life (with the exception of no exercise), and just wait to see if new test results after the waiting period showed a change in the spot they found on my MRI. Yeah right...all I could think about was how in the world I was going to function normally knowing that at the end of the three months they could tell me that i'm going to die.

For the first week I went home every night and prayed for hours...prayed that God would miraculously heal me, and that God would make it all go away. I was frustrated with God for throwing this on me at a time when I was already at my lowest of lows, and couldn't understand why He could potentially want to end my life at such a young age. And then one night, I got it. In the midst of my prayers I felt this overwhelming peace consume my heart...and I felt Jesus there, wrapping His arms around me. I could hear Him asking me "Why are you trying to control something that you can't? I will decide when your time on earth is complete, and I will decide if you have more work to do. Whether or not this is your time, just trust me..."

God knew in that moment that I had no other choice but to surrender my life (literally) to Him...the control of whether or not I was about to die was never really mine to begin with. Praying for God to make it all go away over and over wasn't going to fix things. God is not a magic genie that has to grant my every wish. That night I began to change my prayers, and every day thereafter I prayed the same thing:

"Jesus, I know you are a loving father and you have a plan for my life for a reason. Lord, I feel in my heart that I still have work yet to be done on this earth, but if your plans say otherwise, I willingly accept them with open arms. Give me a peace to know that you know my next steps before I do, and that they are all part of YOUR story. I want to bring glory to you...in life, or in death. Thank you for every day that you've given me so far, and thank you for any that are yet to come."

For the remainder of the three months, I entered each day with a peace in my heart that no matter what the doctors said at the end of it, God was in control, and He ALWAYS knows what He's doing. It was an unexplainable peace that I still can't adequately describe to this day, but I know that in the midst of my suffering, my Jesus was there carrying me along the way.

As it turns out, it wasn't a tumor - but rather an abnormal blood vessel on my optic nerve that burst and bled...which is what caused my partial vision loss...a loss that the doctors said was permanent. But even through this trial, I got my own little miracle...months later despite the doctors' prognosis, I got about 50% of that vision back! I still have a small blind spot in my peripheral vision on my left eye, but rather than be angry at the annoyance that it sometimes is, I am thankful for it as my daily reminder that God is in control, and when I wait, He WILL meet me where I am and reveal himself to me in ways I might have never imagined.