Five Things A Single Dude NEEDS To Know… (by Perry Noble)
OK guys…here we go…I’ve been wanting to do this one for a long time. Please keep in mind that I made TONS of mistakes as a single dude…so these lessons are NOT all as a result of my success stories. BUT…I did manage to do some things right…and I have a red hot wife to prove it. (Thank You Jesus!!!)
#1 - If You Are Interested In A Girl…YOU Need To Talk To HER.
The Bible says in Proverbs 18:22 that he who FINDS a wife finds what is good (AMEN!) Men…it is up to you to FIND a wife…that means YOU are to be the one to initiate things…if you want to be the leader IN the relationship then you should take steps to be the leader at the beginning of the relationship!
This means, if you are interested in a girl…you talk to her!!! You don’t call HER friends and ask them to drop hints for you…unless you are a pathetic wimp. You don’t get YOUR friends to drop hints to her friends. BE A MAN! If you want to ask her out…ASK HER OUT! Trust me…her friends don’t want to talk to you about it anymore…and if you keep bothering them they are going to tell HER to stay away from you!
I did this right…when I finally decided that I was interested in Lucretia I told a couple of buddies so they could pray for me…and then I had a conversation with her and was completely honest and transparent about the way that I felt. She said she would “pray about it” and that she was “not saying no,” which was NOT very encouraging. BUT…I found out later that she always told her friends that if a guy was interested in her then she expected him to talk to her…NOT anyone else.
#2 - When You Talk With Her–BE HONEST & DON’T PLAY GAMES!!!
One of a man’s top fears is rejection. SO…in order to stay away from this pain and hurt he will not come out and say he is interested in a girl…he won’t say, “I would like to take you out for dinner.” Nope–he plays games…drops hints…all the while hoping that the young lady will pick up on his pathetic attempts to “woo her” and then begin to pursue him.
Dude–stop it, right now!!! If you are interested in a young lady–tell her. Just come out and say it. If you are not sure…but you think you would like to get to know her better…then tell her, “Hey, I would like to get to know you a little better…can we have some supper?”
DO NOT SAY, “Hey…uh…well…maybe, you know, if you like food…uh, do you like food,” hoping that she will say, “Yes, take me to get some.”
Ladies want a man that can be honest…and if you can’t be honest with her from the beginning then how in the world will you ever convince her to trust you in the future?
One more thing…another reason that dude play games is so that they can fuel their pathetically weak male ego…they string girls along…they are not interested–but do want someone to make out with on the weekends. To be honest–I want to punch guys like this in the nose. (And if you are ANY sort of man…and you have a daughter…and a dude does that to her…you want to punch him as well–no matter “how godly” you are!!!) :-)
#3 - On The Date–Be Creative
Ladies–please…if a guy ever takes you to supper and then a movie ON THE FIRST DATE…DROP HIM like a bad habit. Trust me…this relationship has started off on the wrong foot…and here is why…
When you go to a movie on the first date you learn NOTHING about one another…there is NO interaction, no conversation…and so when you get home one person will lie to the other one and say they had a nice time…when they really didn’t because time and money were spent on getting to know all about the lives of the fictional character on the screen.
Guys–think enough about her to PLAN the date…and when you PLAN…PLAN it well! (This is where you CAN get advice from her friends.) When you pick her up–don’t ask her where she would like to go eat…HAVE IT PLANNED. (There should be a conversation somewhere about particular restaurants that are liked and are not liked.)
I know one dude that took a young lady to eat and then they went to Wal Mart where he said, “Let’s get a buggy–go through and pick out five things that we identify with…and then meet back here and write them down…and then go somewhere and talk about them.” DING DING DING–we have a WINNER!!!
(Note: Movies are NOT a bad date idea…they are just a bad first or second date idea!!!)
#4 - On The Date–Be A Gentleman
Dude–you have GOT to treat her like a lady. Walk her to her car door and open it for her. I have had guys argue with me & say, “My dad doesn’t open the door for my mom.” I always reply, “Well…maybe your dad is an insensitive jerk!” Just a thought.
(Ladies…if he does not open the door…just stand outside of his car–he will get the hint. If he doesn’t find you valuable enough to open the door for you…trust me, it’s going to go downhill.)
Guys–a lady wants to feel special…like someone really wants to take care of her…and trust me, the little things matter…so open her car door.
Oh yeah, one more thing…when you come to her house to pick her up…cut your car off, walk up to the door, and ask for her like a man. If you pull up in her driveway and call her from your cell phone–you are a loser. If you pull up in her driveway and honk your car horn…you are REALLY a loser.
(A dude came to pick up my sister once a blew the horn…she got up to leave & my dad told her to sit down. The guy outside then began to hold down on the horn…my dad, who had drank a beer or twelve, got up, walked outside, opened his car door and hit him in the nose, knocking him across the car. He said he was going to go home and tell his father…to which my father proceeded to invite him to do so, telling him that he would be glad to give his father the same treatment. The dude left & came back an hour later cleaned up and apologized for the way he had treated my sister.) I LOVE TELLING THAT STORY!!! :-)
#5 - If She Says “NO,” That Means NO!
Guys–if you ask a girl out on a date & she tell you no–back off…stay away…you can be her friend but do NOT begin to try to put pressure on her…this freaks her out.
I have had so many single dudes tell me, “But Perry, you talk about how you pursued Lucretia for nearly two years before she even went out with you.”
YEP–that is true…but I was her friend and not a freaky stalker. During my two year friendship with Lucretia we maybe had five conversations about the possibility of us dating one day…and she NEVER told me NO or to never bring the conversation up again. We were friends…we hung out…with NO strings attached. She never told me to back off.
If a young lady tells you no and you continue to pursue–dude–you are NOT being romantic…you are being stupid. Let it GO!!!
That’s about it for now–just curious–what are some things a single lady needs to know? (I will post about this–but remember–this Sunday is the message for the women at NewSpring…the men came out in full force…ladies…don’t miss this!!!)
Four Things A Single Girl Should Know (by Perry Noble)
Last year I did a post entitled “Five Things A Single Dude Needs To Know” that I felt like really challenged guys and gals…at least the e-mails proved that to be true. AND…one of the questions I received for several week after was, “What about the girls, when are you going to challenge them?” Well–after about eleven months here goes…
#1 - Girls Chase Boys, Women Wait To Be Pursued.
Ladies, please believe me when I say that if you are pursuable then a godly man will take notice at just the right time…wait. If you have to pursue a guy and initiate all of the conversations and planning then the dude is not ready to lead…which would automatically disqualify him biblically from being your husband.
Ladies–admit it–the desire of your heart is to know that someone thinks you are lovely enough to pursue…and when a guy makes an effort to win your heart–there’s just something about that that makes you feel special.
God created you–designed you…and it wasn’t so you can throw yourself at a guy, hoping that he notices. Fall in love with Jesus and a godly guy will notice, I promise.
(If you are whining right now saying, “But I am in love with Jesus and no one is noticing” then you need to stop and listen to yourself…trust me, a dude doesn’t want to pursue a woman who whines!)
#2 - Set High Expectations
This sort of goes along with the first thing…but ladies–let me say this clearly–Ephesians 3:20 says that God is able to do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine, which means that you should not look at a guy and say, “I can fix him up and he might work.” As I often say, you are NOT the Holy Spirit–”fixing people” is the job of Jesus…not you!
When you get married you need to be willing to say, “I will love this person AS IS for the rest of my life, if NOTHING changes I will love them!” BECAUSE, when you get married, change is NOT a guarantee…so don’t listen to promises of change if evidence is not shown beforehand.
I am SICK and TIRED of godly Christian young ladies settling because of insecurities in their lives OR because their friends are getting married and they think that they are going to be 28 and single–which would be the end of the world!!! I have seen girls get here and panic–and then date and marry some dude, only to be in divorce court in less than five years–which brings about another set of issues altogether!
Ladies–remember–Ephesians 3:20! Is he more than you could ever ask for or imagine?
#3 - Don’t Over Analyze!
Girls are HORRIBLE as this…a guy will ask them out and they will think the following…
- “He just asked me out–what does he mean by going “out?”
- “If I go out this once then does that mean we are dating?”
- “What if I don’t like going out with him–and he asks me out again?”
- “Is he thinking marriage? Oh my–if we had kids they just wouldn’t be cute!”
- “He hasn’t called me in a day, he hates me, did I have broccoli in my teeth?”
I could literally go on and on…but ladies, if a guy ask you out and you want to go–then go, and don’t spend the 72 hours before and after trying to analyze things that probably will never happen. Seriously, God probably hasn’t even invented some of the problems that ladies get stressed out about–CHILL!
#4 - Be Honest!
If I have one pet peeve with girls…it’s this–they will go out with a guy, say they had a great time…he will ask can they go out again and she says, “Call me.”
So he calls…and calls…and calls! The girl never answers when she sees its him on caller ID, she thinks if she ignores him then he may just go away. BUT, because he’s a guy and probably a little clueless–he keeps calling.
Finally they accidentally run into each other somewhere…I say “accidentally” because she had NO INTENTIONS of ever speaking to him again. He says, “I’ve been trying to call you,” and she replies, “Really…yeah, uh, I’ve been…uh…you know…busy.”
He says, “That’s cool–I understand…so, what are you doing tomorrow night?”
“Tomorrow night? Uh…well…uh…I have plans.” (This is always the safest answer, right?)
“Plans–well what about the night after that…”
This conversation goes on and on with the girl making some obscure reference to having to check her schedule and for him to call her–and the game goes on.
Ladies–please–be honest. If you like the guy and want to go back out–and he asks you–then say yes. Don’t play games…say yes and go. BUT…if you have no intentions of ever going back out with him again…then please, tell him because he is probably driving his friends crazy!!!
5 comments:
I take objection to #1 for girls. While cute and old fashioned, this a totally sexist remark, and I don't want to be with a girl who is like that EVER. This is the 21st century.
I want a woman who knows her value and is ok with expressing what she wants.
I am not saying a woman needs to go out and "chase" a guy, that will ultimately end in chasing the WRONG guy, but sitting around waiting for someone to call is the wrong approach for anyone (guys and girls).
Matt, i'm going to have to disagree with you. I don't think his comment is sexist at all. In fact, it's biblical. If a woman leads out and initiates the pursuit, I would be willing to put money on the fact that the rest of the relationship will likely go the same way - as in, she leads out on most things. (ive watched it happen too many times) Then the girls get frustrated because the guy isn't "leading" them the way they want...and they wonder why...
And on the flip side, I have heard many of my guy friends say that a girl pursuing them is a turn off - it strips them of the ability to be the "warrior" so to speak, and fight to win her heart. It's how we're wired.
"If you are in Christ then you are the King’s daughter…and you do not need to settle for the boy who can’t accept responsibility…you need to wait for the man who is WILLING to fight for your heart." (another great quote from Perry)
I don't think Perry is saying that all girls are just supposed to sit at home, by the phone, waiting to see if it rings. I think he simply means that we, as women, are to hold ourselves to such a standard that we are worthy of allowing a man to make the valiant effort to pursue us. It's one thing to subtly let a guy know you're interested...it's another to call him up and initiate a relationship. I think we, as women, hope that one day we are intriguing enough to a man that he is willing to risk the rejection to find out just what makes us so special. It is possible for a woman to know her value and still allow a guy to step up and be willing to figure it out for himself.
Just my thoughts...
Just because its Biblical doesn't mean its not sexist. "sexism is behavior, conditions, or attitudes that foster stereotypes of social roles based on sex".
Flip it: Why can't a guy be so amazing that a woman wouldn't risk rejection to be with him?
I'm not trying to pick a fight, I just want to point out this obvious flaw Perry's logic. Don't forget that no one in the bible ever went out on a date, and the gender roles in the biblical society were much more clearly defined, repressing the rights of women and treating them as property.
Matt- I think that there is a big difference in what Perry is saying here and what you are saying. A woman who knows her value and respects herself and knows what she wants WILL wait to be pursued. It is the woman who worries that no one will want her that tends to run out and pursue and chase. If a woman finds a man that she wants, there are subtle and wonderful ways she can flirt without pursuing or chasing that man- because in effect, it goes with what Jamie said about how we are wired. Women want to feel beautiful and as petty as it may seem, and EVEN IF SHE KNOWS she is beautiful and values herself, there is nothing better than someone else reaffirming her of this!
I am a feminist by nature and it has been a long, hard road to travel for me to learn to let guys lead. Looking back, though, I have been more of a mom than a girlfriend in most of my past relationships, and I SO look forward to the day when I can be treated like the lady I think I am.
As a man, I have to admit that I took it a little harshly at first. After I looked at the post again, I began to see what Perry is saying. In my opinion, It is a man's duty to pursue in a cultural and societal sense as well as a biblical sense. This doesn't mean that a woman isn't allowed to give him clues that she is interested. It just means that the man has to initiate conversation and make a request for a date based on the signals she is giving him. Women spend a lot more time thinking about their appearance and acceptance than most men do. As protectors of their hearts, it's our duty to build them up by showing them that we do find them desirable. This doesn't strip them of anything or repress them at all. In fact, it empowers them. They can always say no...
This is not sexist either. It's natural. It's the way God created males and females to respond to each other. Females do what they can to attract a desirable suitor, then he attempts to win her heart. Men are visual creatures while women are more emotionally based. Most men also desire a challenge or noble cause. (Now I'm starting to sound like John Eldridge.) When we pursue them, it gives women the emotional boost they need while at the same time giving men something to work or fight for.
I feel that a man who does not care to pursue the heart of a woman is obviously not completely involved in the investment required to make her truly happy. Somewhere along the way that will have to be dealt with. Love is a complete investment into another person.
When you switch gender roles, it confuses the relationship more than it helps it. Until men start giving birth, this will always be the case. A man's love toward a child will always be different than the love of a mother. That doesn't make their love unequal, but she has a special emotional bond to that child that no man will ever know. Once again, it's not sexist, it's the way God intended.
This doesn’t mean that there aren’t exceptions in which a woman pursues a man and they live happily ever after. It just means the odds are stacked against that.
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