Strength Will Rise...

The last two weeks at 7|22 have been so good for my soul. Not only because Jeanne Stevens communicated two amazing messages of God's truth, but also because the topic of spiritual waiting is something that resonates intimately with my heart.

Over the past six years God has continually confronted me and challenged me to be patient and wait...wait for clarity, for understanding, for restoration, for wisdom, for healing and for HIS timing - not my own. However, Jeanne's messages reminded me that while I was (and/or am still waiting) for these things, the most important thing I am waiting on is for God to leverage this time to make some radical transformations in my life.

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord...

I have not always been at a place in my heart where I readily welcomed periods of waiting...especially long ones. I could go on for pages of how God pulled me out of a very dark time in my life, primarily through an extensive waiting period, but i'll spare you those detais...for now. I can, however, pinpoint one specific trial in my life during that time when God tested me more than He ever has, and at the same time, has never felt so close.

At the age of 22, God met me in a much needed period of restoration. I had been through a life altering ordeal that left me utterly broken, hopeless and crying out to Jesus to mend what was left of my shattered dreams. I remember the night I broke down and had it out with God...I finally understood and accepted what it meant to surrender my plan (not just say that I did), and I willingly did so - asking and welcoming God to do whatever was necessary in my life to break me down and build me back up into the person He created me to be.

And He did.

One by one, I experienced God completely break me in every aspect of my life...emotionally, relationally, mentally, financially, and in December of 2003....physically. I don't know why I never thought that this would be an area that God would use to reach out to me. I guess I just assumed that all the work He needed to do was in my heart and my mind. I learned to never underestimate the ways or the means in which God will get our attention and repair us.

That month, I started having really bad headaches...the kind that are so debilitating that I didn't want to get out of bed. I remember sitting in church one Sunday, as the headaches continued, and noticing big black spots that were blocking my vision. I had heard that people who suffered from migraines often saw spots, so I self-diagnosed that I was having migraine issues, and decided to make an appointment with a doctor to get it checked out. When Monday morning came, the pain was so bad that I could not wait to get an appointment. I had to have my mom drive me to the emergency room, for what I thought would be a quick visit. I thought that they would just do a cat scan, decipher that I had migraines, write me a prescription and I would be on my way.

Boy was I wrong...

When the doctor came back after hours of waiting for my test results, he very casually told me that they found something on my scan that could be an aneurysm or potentially even a brain tumor. The next few minutes were a blur as I heard words thrown around such as "emergency brain surgery," "radiation," and "permanent vision loss." For the record, the words brain and surgery should never be used in a sentence around me...the outcome is not so great.

In a matter of minutes I went from a girl with a bad headache to potentially a life threatening illness. Talk about a "where's God" moment. After running more tests that day, the doctors ruled out an aneurysm (to my relief), but could not rule out the potential of a brain tumor. At this point, we determined that I had lost a good portion of my peripheral vision in my left eye, and I was told that this vision loss would be permanent. The following week brought more tests, awful medicine that made me swell to almost twice my normal size, and word that I was going to have to wait 3 months before they could determine exactly what was wrong with me, and what to do. I can remember going home that night and crying out to God...

"I might have a brain tumor, and you want me to wait?!"

For the next three months, that's all I could do. I was told to go about my normal life (with the exception of no exercise), and just wait to see if new test results after the waiting period showed a change in the spot they found on my MRI. Yeah right...all I could think about was how in the world I was going to function normally knowing that at the end of the three months they could tell me that i'm going to die.

For the first week I went home every night and prayed for hours...prayed that God would miraculously heal me, and that God would make it all go away. I was frustrated with God for throwing this on me at a time when I was already at my lowest of lows, and couldn't understand why He could potentially want to end my life at such a young age. And then one night, I got it. In the midst of my prayers I felt this overwhelming peace consume my heart...and I felt Jesus there, wrapping His arms around me. I could hear Him asking me "Why are you trying to control something that you can't? I will decide when your time on earth is complete, and I will decide if you have more work to do. Whether or not this is your time, just trust me..."

God knew in that moment that I had no other choice but to surrender my life (literally) to Him...the control of whether or not I was about to die was never really mine to begin with. Praying for God to make it all go away over and over wasn't going to fix things. God is not a magic genie that has to grant my every wish. That night I began to change my prayers, and every day thereafter I prayed the same thing:

"Jesus, I know you are a loving father and you have a plan for my life for a reason. Lord, I feel in my heart that I still have work yet to be done on this earth, but if your plans say otherwise, I willingly accept them with open arms. Give me a peace to know that you know my next steps before I do, and that they are all part of YOUR story. I want to bring glory to you...in life, or in death. Thank you for every day that you've given me so far, and thank you for any that are yet to come."

For the remainder of the three months, I entered each day with a peace in my heart that no matter what the doctors said at the end of it, God was in control, and He ALWAYS knows what He's doing. It was an unexplainable peace that I still can't adequately describe to this day, but I know that in the midst of my suffering, my Jesus was there carrying me along the way.

As it turns out, it wasn't a tumor - but rather an abnormal blood vessel on my optic nerve that burst and bled...which is what caused my partial vision loss...a loss that the doctors said was permanent. But even through this trial, I got my own little miracle...months later despite the doctors' prognosis, I got about 50% of that vision back! I still have a small blind spot in my peripheral vision on my left eye, but rather than be angry at the annoyance that it sometimes is, I am thankful for it as my daily reminder that God is in control, and when I wait, He WILL meet me where I am and reveal himself to me in ways I might have never imagined.